nothing, yet everything
there are thoughts I've been meaning to get out, but I still haven't found a way to do it
I take big bites at apples the way I do at life.
I sip the juice frenetically, scared it will slip away down my chin. I chew until only the dark seeds are left, until I have to resign to it being over, to having to wait until I can experience the sweet and the bitter and the crunch again.
Death Rebirth
The sky was tainted a deep blue, nearly black, and all I saw were silhouettes lost in the shadows, voices coming from all around, as I feel a thin veil of waves kissing my feet. I look around, panicked. The same feeling is mirrored on every face I find. Was the ocean supposed to get this far?
The answer was obvious and we rush out of there. I feel like a child grabbing my father’s hand, calling out for my brother, begging the universe to take me and save him. Save him. From what exactly?
As we drive away, the docks at a distance, and the houses nearby, are covered in ever-taller layers of liquid and salt. But the noise of the approaching waves isn’t deafening, no. Instead, it is like a warning hiss, muttered and creeping, like a chill running through my spine all the way to my head, making me lightheaded.
I have to lie down.
Minutes later I feel a bump on the road and between my semi-closed lids I recognize the shapes of the buildings lining across the window. I turn my head to the left, to look out of the opposite side of the car (double checking) and find the expected group of cars staggered in a nearby open field. My dad’s car is here. Was it always here?
As I frown in confusion, a minuscule spark catches my eye. It came from the front of my father’s van, I’m almost certain, almost, because when I look back to make sure, we’re way past it and heading home.
The lights remain on, we’re still too alert to go to bed, watching the minutes on the digital clock of the oven go by under the fluorescent lights that hang from the kitchen ceiling. I’m impatient, restless, speechless. Deep in my gut I know something is happening not so far away. Something feels wrong. Why can’t I grasp what it is?
As we cross the corridor to head to our rooms, my head down and heavy with worry, loud voices sound from the outside. “Weird”, my mother says, “I don’t remember the neighbors saying there would be a party at theirs’ today”. And in that moment, somehow, the final pieces of the puzzle line up in my mind, a lock clicks open, and I open the front door.
A tall, thick column of smoke rises from the nearby neighborhood. People fill the streets, watching from a far, talking in loud whispers. Shock glues my feet to the ground but I want to move, I want to run there - to help? to die in the smoke? could be none. could be both. - and so I do.
The twenty-story buildings are being consumed by reinless flames, so hot I could feel my cheeks burn even from afar, so bright I would have sworn the sun had come up in the time it took me to get there. But everything seems so…fine. Firemen seamlessly carry down entire families, people walk away in steady steps, surprised, but not panicked. I notice the flames aren’t growing, aren’t burning any further. A group of people surrounds me, apparently noticing the same as I did, and then we watch as the fire comes to a halt, and starts to dissipate, very slowly, but surely. The orange arms of fire walk away from the windows one floor at a time, until all there is left is smoke, but not poisoning and deadly, rather…rejuvenating.
A shrill sounds from behind us. All heads turn a full semi-circle, but the sky is empty. Until…
Banging noises fill up the air as lines of glitter paint the starry night in tones of pink, yellow and green. There might be people cheering, children crying, dogs barking, but I can’t hear them. All of my attention is drawn by the endless spectacle of fireworks before me, a celebration, so close I could feel myself being lifted from the ground up, becoming light and shine and stars, living in an eternal party among the Gods.
And then I awake.
I stare at the ceiling for seconds that seem more like long minutes, contemplating what I just experienced. I chuckle lightly at myself as I understand the meaning behind it. In the dream, everything I once new, everything that made this city what it is, everything that made me who I am, got turned to ashes, swept away by the waves or the wind. Yet nobody was hurt in the process - everybody remained afloat, untouched by the kisses of fire - myself included. At the end, the celebration signified a new start approaching, the joy of surviving what seems like the end of the world, the light at the end of the tunnel you thought you would never cross.
That is how I feel about my life now.
For as long as I remember, September has been my favorite month of the year. Perhaps it is simply for an egotistical reason, given that it is my birthday month, but I wouldn’t say so myself. For me, September always felt like the time for fresh starts, for making resolutions, for testing out a new persona. September is the frenesy and the easiness of summer sprinkled with the comfort and security of fall. It’s a busy month, with a full schedule of parties and coffee dates, rather than infatuating study sessions or boring classes.
But this year, September feels…different? It is still everything that I described but it also is more. It is the month in which I finally take the leap into this new life I’ve been preparing for: starting classes at a new university where I don’t know anyone except for one person, adjusting to a routine that is miles away from the one I used to have, having to settle with seeing the girls that have spent the last three years attached to my hip less and less - maybe once a month, if we’re lucky. I feel the same, and everybody around me is the same, but the life I knew has been breaking down into pieces and a new path is sprouting before me.
It is the life that follows death.
A rebirth.
The worries of 20-something year old girl
Am I doing enough?
Are they coming to my birthday party?
Do they even like me?
Is my mother sick of me?
Should I move out again?
Should I stay here for a few more years instead of going abroad?
What if I never move abroad?
Am I wasting my life by sitting on the couch every night?
I want a boyfriend.
Do I actually want a boyfriend or am I just bored and seeking validation?
Do I even want a boyfriend or is that just what our hetero-normative society tells us I should want?
What if I never have kids?
Could I have kids and be successful at the same time?
I really hope I’ll be successful some day…
I should have started earlier. Why don’t I have a job yet?
What if they run me over and I never have a chance to get what I want?
What if I end up stuck in this house, in this city, forever?
Are my friends going to forget about me once they move out?
Is everyone moving away except for me?
Everyone on the internet has the same dream as me…It’s pathetic that I ever thought I was special.
I’ll never make it.
My head rises to the yellowed page glued to my wall. I will make it happen written on it in rushed letters.
Maybe I will make it someday. Maybe everything will be okay. Maybe.
Lost traces of falling in love
The music was loud, the party crowded, bodies merged with one another in a chaotic rhythm, and in the distance I watch her watching me.
She is the brightest light at this party, the best song, the catchiest beat.
She is the sun, and the moon, and the stars combined.
She pulls me in with her eyes and flowing body. I wish to frame this moment so I never forget - being so close and so distant, like a worshiper at the hands of their Saint.
There’s a new message from her when I lay my head to sleep and I can’t help but smile brightly. We’ll be eachother’s last “goodnight”, and the last thought lingering in each of our minds will be the smiles we shared on that dance floor.
The next morning our feet touch underneath the table. They stay there. I’m in love and I would like to stay here for longer. Could you keep leaving me sticky notes and audio messages and gentle touches for a bit longer?
Love is my religion
If I must pray for something, let it be love.
Let it be for a hug with a friend to last a minute longer, for my brother to call me more often, for feeling once more that sparkly sensation of engaging in delicious conversation with someone you just met.
If I must pray, then I’ll ask whoever is out there to bring me someone I can share my life with, someone that makes my body tingle with a simple brush of a knee, someone that will love me when I’m annoying or complaining or out-of-touch, someone who will listen and talk back, someone who will share, someone who makes me laugh and never makes me cry, someone who will help me out of bed in the morning when my legs aren’t able to hold my own weight anymore.
If I must pray, then I’ll ask for endless dinner parties with long conversations and heart-felt messages, I’ll ask for someone to meet for coffee on Saturdays, someone who’ll say “I’ll go with you” without me asking, someone that pays attention and knows me like the palm of their hand.
If I must pray, then I’ll ask for my parents to last forever, to keep nagging me and watching me grow until all there is left in the world is the blood we all share. I would ask for them to read me one more bed-time story, to watch one more movie with me, to listen to one more intricate story I have to share.
And, if I must pray, then I would pray to one day find my reflection in eyes that look like mine. I pray that I’ll have someone to worry about and protect, I pray that I’ll get to love someone so fully I would give my all to them in a heartbeat. I can almost smell their honey-scented body lotion, and the apple shampoo at the top of their head, I can almost feel the softness of their cheeks on my lips, the thinness of their curls on my hands.
If there is such a thing as a God, then I pray it will bless me with love.
You made it to the end! Thank you! It’s time for this month’s highlights:
September’s playlist
September’s moodbard
Check out the full moodboard here.
Thanks for reading this far! September has come and go, can you believe it? I always say this is my favorite month, but this time around September has felt completely different. I recently started my Master’s which I’m definitely excited about but also a bit nervous and scared over. For now, I’m focusing on adapting to this new life while staying in touch with what I love - my friends, writing, reading (although I’m in the greatest reading slump of my life).
If you enjoyed this piece, please share it around with some friends. I would love to build more of a community over here and grow this newsletter even more! But I do have to say this last month I gained 4 (4! my lucky number!) new followers and several profile views, so thank you so! much!!
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Thanks again for reading! See you soon <3
